Let me start this post off in a positive note. My family is my everything, my husband is my partner, best friend, and lover. He is the rock I lean on and the one I run to. In no way am I condemning him for a condition over which he has no control.
Now, let me continue. We have a monkey on our shoulders, a ghost in the room, if you will. And this monkey is called PTSD. It's something we live with daily. Even on the days when the monkey is quiet, I know there'll be another when it rears it's head and brings on the mischief. It's an invisible force in our lives, but a force it is. A strong one. It drives one day to be the best we've ever had and the next to be near apocalypse. It's what brings my husband so far down that he feels that he is worth nothing, but brings him back up again.
I call it a monkey, because it's something that we have no control over. It's frustrating and it wreaks havoc, but we can't discipline it. It rules us. I wish we could rule it.
The hardest part of living with this condition is the misunderstanding and the condemnation that comes my husband's way from strangers, friends, and mostly family. There is a lack of understanding and a lack of care that comes his way. Instead of taking the time to educate themselves and to understand what he lives with, they aggravate him and it. They push buttons and they brush him off as simply "angry". I hate that word. It's become a convenient way to ignore what's going on beneath the surface. It's like, angry has become a key to excuse poor treatment. I fight hard, everyday. I fight to keep control of myself, for fear of pushing him too far, I fight to keep control of our lives. I fear. Everyday. Will this monkey get the best of us? What is going to set him over the edge, to the point where I can no longer reach him? I can't lose him. And so, I fight. And he fights the same fights, only harder.
I push people away who I feel are hurting him. I push people away who do nothing but push him. I push, push, push. I pick fights over stupid arguments that should never have occured in the first place, but I do it to keep my family. I stand solidly by him. I do it because I love him. I do it because he loves me. Immensely. We have a great marriage and we work with eachother. And the monkey stays in control, most days.
