So, our lives have shifted in the past few months and I find myself kind of wistful. My amazing husband battles his demons everyday and comes out stronger for it. I can't really express how I feel about him. It's like watching a constant process and growth, to use a corny cliche, like a butterfly. Or a dung beetle, he just keeps pushing the shit and sometimes, it's tiring and it gets to him and sometimes, he reaches a victory. I love him for the person, father, and husband he is. He makes me a stronger person and he makes me see how my faults affect him and everyone around me. He is the antithesis of everything I thought that I wanted. And the epitome of everything I needed. We have gone through so much together already and are still and I think we've come out okay.
Now, onto family. Never an easy subject. Things have changed again. Old relationships have been mended. Sort of. Things that need to be talked about have and haven't been talked about. A relationship that should come easy, well.... doesn't. I find myself wishing for things that just aren't there. I find myself hoping that I can just magically fix everything, but I don't know if some things have just gone too far. If things have been let go for too long. Trust is something that never comes easy for me. And in light of the past, I don't know if it will ever come. I want relationships for my kids that I had, but am I hoping for something that just isn't there? Or am I keeping these relationships at a distance because I just don't want to be hurt again? And I don't want my kids to go through the whole process again. It was really hard on them in the first place. And then there's Shawn........ he's so strong, it's hard to remember that he gets hurt just as easily as I do. I don't know if I can put him through it again.
On the positive side of family, old hurts have been mended on one end and a stronger, better relationship built. It's crazy how things work out. We grow and we learn and we accept people for who they are, faults and all. And then we start over. Common ground is found and a relationships is built. We learn to communicate and to respect eachother. This is all I've ever wanted. Mutual respect. An adult relationship. Talking out our issues instead of talking behind each other's back. If I can find this with one relationship, shouldn't I be able to find it with the rest?
