The holidays blow

Another year and another Christmas has passed. I hate Christmas. It's the time of year when I am reminded over and over again just how isolated our lives are. Don't get me wrong, I am a total introvert. However, I love family time. It seems like over the years our family time has gotten less and less. Family members passed and with them the family tradidtions did too. I miss waking up Christmas morning and putting on our fancy dresses, packing up in the car and heading to Nana's for our big Christmas dinner. My kids will never have that, unfortunately. We, as an atheist family, do not celebrate a traditional Christmas, but we also do not subscribe to the Santa myth. I know what you're thinking, "give the kids some magic in their lives". I don't think that lying to your kids is giving them magic. I believe in being as upfront as possible with them. In some cases, this has led to them missing out on things, childhood myths. I'm sticking to my guns though. No Santa. I actually find the Santa myth quite creepy and I'm reminded of this everytime I see people's pictures of their kids sitting on Santa's lap.











I mean, honestly, all year long, we tell our children to avoid creepy people and then we shove them on some old guys lap and tell them to ask for presents. Hmmm, really? And then, said old guy breaks into your house while you're sleeping and leaves those presents. Weird.




Let's revisit my position of honesty, shall we? I expect honesty out of the people in my life. Including my kids. Is this too much to ask? My husband doesn't have any problems telling me my butt does indeed look too big in those pants. My kids will very happily tell mommy she's being mean. But, others can't tell me that they have an issue with who I am.





Not that I would change to please them. :) That's not who I am. BUT, it would be nice to know where I stood with people, instead of playing guessing games.




And onto another subject, "something shiny" as my husband would say. My kids are unique. And in some cases totally misunderstood. "Zombie" is a popular game around my house. As is "crime scene" in which random stuffed animals meet their end and their murders must be solved. Oh, poor, poor teddy. I find these games refreshing. I enjoy my kid's individuality and refuse to subscribe to the social norms that make a child exploring death taboo. We all have to face death in some way, sometime. In this way, my kids are more prepared for it when it comes. And they can handle it in a well-adjusted way. Besides, crime scene investigators make good money. ;) They can support me in my old age.





And now, onto the new year. Another year passed means more birthdays and getting older. I miss having babies and yet I don't. I love watching my kids grow and learn everyday. I love listening to Hobie say new words and watch all of them put new ideas and new concepts together. They change everyday. I just hope I can observe it all.

Our life as it is.......

So, our lives have shifted in the past few months and I find myself kind of wistful. My amazing husband battles his demons everyday and comes out stronger for it. I can't really express how I feel about him. It's like watching a constant process and growth, to use a corny cliche, like a butterfly. Or a dung beetle, he just keeps pushing the shit and sometimes, it's tiring and it gets to him and sometimes, he reaches a victory. I love him for the person, father, and husband he is. He makes me a stronger person and he makes me see how my faults affect him and everyone around me. He is the antithesis of everything I thought that I wanted. And the epitome of everything I needed. We have gone through so much together already and are still and I think we've come out okay.

Now, onto family. Never an easy subject. Things have changed again. Old relationships have been mended. Sort of. Things that need to be talked about have and haven't been talked about. A relationship that should come easy, well.... doesn't. I find myself wishing for things that just aren't there. I find myself hoping that I can just magically fix everything, but I don't know if some things have just gone too far. If things have been let go for too long. Trust is something that never comes easy for me. And in light of the past, I don't know if it will ever come. I want relationships for my kids that I had, but am I hoping for something that just isn't there? Or am I keeping these relationships at a distance because I just don't want to be hurt again? And I don't want my kids to go through the whole process again. It was really hard on them in the first place. And then there's Shawn........ he's so strong, it's hard to remember that he gets hurt just as easily as I do. I don't know if I can put him through it again.

On the positive side of family, old hurts have been mended on one end and a stronger, better relationship built. It's crazy how things work out. We grow and we learn and we accept people for who they are, faults and all. And then we start over. Common ground is found and a relationships is built. We learn to communicate and to respect eachother. This is all I've ever wanted. Mutual respect. An adult relationship. Talking out our issues instead of talking behind each other's back. If I can find this with one relationship, shouldn't I be able to find it with the rest?