Back to the ranting and away from the emotions.............

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction."

Albert Einstein


In reading my previous posts, I realize that they all have the same theme. Family dynamics. Most importantly, the lack of family dynamics in my life right now. I'd like to move away from that drama for now.



What I'd really like to talk about is relgion. I don't get it. I understand the appeal of a higher being being responsible for everything in the world. It makes it easier to blame said deity than to actually evaluate human behavior. Humans are complex. And often they are cruel and disgusting. Its easier to say that God, Allah, or whoever you subscribe to, is responsible for the Holocaust, instead of assigning the blame where it really belongs: fear and human nature. Fear is all it took for one man to single handedly manufacture one of the greatest atrocities of our time. But, when we look at religion, where is the difference? Fear leads people to obey a god who will punish you if you don't behave in an exact way.



And I'm not saying that religion is all bad, just mostly. Self accountability shouldn't be dependent on someone or something else. It should always come from you. I find it ironic that murderers, child/wife beaters, and just plain shitty people derive justice for their actions from their deities. Isn't that the opposite of religious teachings?



Reason is what I subscribe to. And reason and logic leave little room for religion. Reasonably and logically speaking, religion is infantile. It tells you what to do, what not to do, how to believe and it controls every aspect of your life. It removes the parts of you that once thought for yourself. It creates conflict and turmoil and yes, drama, where there just doesn't need to be any. It brainwashes you and turns you to what they teach. Hate is at the center of most religions. Although it is disguised as "love". How can you love your neighbor when you spend all of your time judging their lives? How can you embrace your fellow human when you spend all your time hating what they are about?



Religion teaches us to conform. It teaches us that if we are different from others, we are wrong and we are going to hell. Freethinking is discouraged and in this way, we become mindless... well... zombies to put it into perspective. Our way of life is replaced by someone else's version of what is right and ridiculous stories that any sane person would discount become "gospel". And no, I will never believe that a man lived inside a "giant fish" or whale's stomach and survived. Where the hell is the logic in that? And Noah... how big was that ark and how did he gather all of those animals? The bible isn't even written by first hand account, it's seconds and thirds.



It takes a lot more to convince this skeptic. I am not a conformist. I fight against the norms. And I'm happy to be.

Self Reflection....... should be left to mirrors and pools

I've been doing a lot of well..... to use a cheesy cliche... soul searching lately. Events in our family and extended family over the past couple of years have changed my perspective on things, wildly. I know that I am not always an easy person to get along with. I am demanding in my relationships. I expect a lot from people. And at the top of my list is honesty. I admit that I, personally, have not always been honest in the past. I hid what I felt because of the possibility of drama. I went with the flow and in doing this, I got to the point where everything that I was feeling exploded into one big issue. I am trying to move past this point.












Part of this process is airing how I feel about people. Good or bad, ugly or not, I'm telling people what is going on with my feelings. I realize that, in some cases, this isn't going to be well-received. And I don't care. For me, to feel safe in a relationship, I need things to be open. I need communication. What I don't need is the typical two-faced, twisted type of relationship that I've been accepting for so long. And I am not blameless in these relationships, I've played the games. I've fed the drama. And now, I'm done. Equal footing is all that I ask for.









I, am not perfect. Dammit. In all my hopes and dreams as a child and young woman, my life was perfect. My relationships, all went the exact way that I wanted them to. My life moved in one direction and one direction only. I think that as hopeful dreamers, we fail to account for reality. And when that reality bites, it bites hard. My first dose of reality: I can't fix everything. I may try and I may fight, but some things just can't be fixed. In my fantasy, perfect world, my kids have the grandparents I did, they have a supportive family, like I did. But, things can't always be the same. And, I know, I held my grandparents up on a pedestal and expecting others to reach that point is unrealistic. I also know that my idea of a supportive family is somewhat twisted by the way that I grew up. It excludes the daddy part. The most important part of our family.









Because, let's face it, single parenting is not all it's cracked up to be. I always felt like a piece of me was missing. A puzzle that was unfinished. My children, don't. Their dad, is awesome. He's not what I expected, in any way (not that my expectations were high), he's more. His dedication is to us and he shows it in ways that I miss sometimes. But, I'm working on it. This part of my life is more than what I imagined as a young woman.






I guess the moral of my ranting is, I am not perfect person, mother, or wife. I am very demanding, I expect a lot, and I have made mistakes. But, I am done making myself feel like the fault of poor relationships lie solely on my shoulders. It takes two. And I am worth the effort. Because, I'm awesome. 

Honesty............. is it really honest?

I don't get it. Honesty is what everyone expects, right? I expect my children to be honest when I ask them a question and if they're not, I teach them to be honest. I expect honesty in my marriage. I know that I'm the only one for my husband and he knows that he's the only one for me. I know the person that my husband is because we share that and I hope he knows me. What I don't get is the relationships not based on honesty. I don't get the dramatic games of who said what and this person is terrible because they said this and you should never talk to them again. I don't get those relationships. I don't understand being turned away when I lay my honest feelings on the table in hopes of salvaging an already difficult relationship. If you say you love and want to be a part of my life, why is it so hard to have a conversation with me? If the relationship is not important enough to you to be saved, that's a sure way to prove it to me.  

The holidays blow

Another year and another Christmas has passed. I hate Christmas. It's the time of year when I am reminded over and over again just how isolated our lives are. Don't get me wrong, I am a total introvert. However, I love family time. It seems like over the years our family time has gotten less and less. Family members passed and with them the family tradidtions did too. I miss waking up Christmas morning and putting on our fancy dresses, packing up in the car and heading to Nana's for our big Christmas dinner. My kids will never have that, unfortunately. We, as an atheist family, do not celebrate a traditional Christmas, but we also do not subscribe to the Santa myth. I know what you're thinking, "give the kids some magic in their lives". I don't think that lying to your kids is giving them magic. I believe in being as upfront as possible with them. In some cases, this has led to them missing out on things, childhood myths. I'm sticking to my guns though. No Santa. I actually find the Santa myth quite creepy and I'm reminded of this everytime I see people's pictures of their kids sitting on Santa's lap.











I mean, honestly, all year long, we tell our children to avoid creepy people and then we shove them on some old guys lap and tell them to ask for presents. Hmmm, really? And then, said old guy breaks into your house while you're sleeping and leaves those presents. Weird.




Let's revisit my position of honesty, shall we? I expect honesty out of the people in my life. Including my kids. Is this too much to ask? My husband doesn't have any problems telling me my butt does indeed look too big in those pants. My kids will very happily tell mommy she's being mean. But, others can't tell me that they have an issue with who I am.





Not that I would change to please them. :) That's not who I am. BUT, it would be nice to know where I stood with people, instead of playing guessing games.




And onto another subject, "something shiny" as my husband would say. My kids are unique. And in some cases totally misunderstood. "Zombie" is a popular game around my house. As is "crime scene" in which random stuffed animals meet their end and their murders must be solved. Oh, poor, poor teddy. I find these games refreshing. I enjoy my kid's individuality and refuse to subscribe to the social norms that make a child exploring death taboo. We all have to face death in some way, sometime. In this way, my kids are more prepared for it when it comes. And they can handle it in a well-adjusted way. Besides, crime scene investigators make good money. ;) They can support me in my old age.





And now, onto the new year. Another year passed means more birthdays and getting older. I miss having babies and yet I don't. I love watching my kids grow and learn everyday. I love listening to Hobie say new words and watch all of them put new ideas and new concepts together. They change everyday. I just hope I can observe it all.

Our life as it is.......

So, our lives have shifted in the past few months and I find myself kind of wistful. My amazing husband battles his demons everyday and comes out stronger for it. I can't really express how I feel about him. It's like watching a constant process and growth, to use a corny cliche, like a butterfly. Or a dung beetle, he just keeps pushing the shit and sometimes, it's tiring and it gets to him and sometimes, he reaches a victory. I love him for the person, father, and husband he is. He makes me a stronger person and he makes me see how my faults affect him and everyone around me. He is the antithesis of everything I thought that I wanted. And the epitome of everything I needed. We have gone through so much together already and are still and I think we've come out okay.

Now, onto family. Never an easy subject. Things have changed again. Old relationships have been mended. Sort of. Things that need to be talked about have and haven't been talked about. A relationship that should come easy, well.... doesn't. I find myself wishing for things that just aren't there. I find myself hoping that I can just magically fix everything, but I don't know if some things have just gone too far. If things have been let go for too long. Trust is something that never comes easy for me. And in light of the past, I don't know if it will ever come. I want relationships for my kids that I had, but am I hoping for something that just isn't there? Or am I keeping these relationships at a distance because I just don't want to be hurt again? And I don't want my kids to go through the whole process again. It was really hard on them in the first place. And then there's Shawn........ he's so strong, it's hard to remember that he gets hurt just as easily as I do. I don't know if I can put him through it again.

On the positive side of family, old hurts have been mended on one end and a stronger, better relationship built. It's crazy how things work out. We grow and we learn and we accept people for who they are, faults and all. And then we start over. Common ground is found and a relationships is built. We learn to communicate and to respect eachother. This is all I've ever wanted. Mutual respect. An adult relationship. Talking out our issues instead of talking behind each other's back. If I can find this with one relationship, shouldn't I be able to find it with the rest?

Another rant

I fucking hate being judged. I hate having my religious views, parenting practices, and just general life choices shit on. I am sick and tired of making an effort with people, who, frankly don't deserve it. I'm tired of putting my emotions on the line for piece of shit people who can't put their issues aside enough to have an adult relationship.I think it's time for people to stop hiding behind their religious views and step forward and own who they are. If you're a piece of shit, admit it! I admit that I am a complete bitch sometimes (okay, a lot more than that). I admit that I like gossip (not about me, lol). I admit that I look down on people sometimes for the way that they parent and the way that they believe. Do I shove my views in their face? No. I'm not out to change the world. I'm not so arrogant to believe that the way that I do things is the end all. I'm not a perfect parent and I'm certainly not a perfect person (ask my husband ;-)), but I try with all my might to accept people for who they are and love them for that. I try not to live my life in fear and be who I am, imperfections and all. I try to own my choices as a person and as a parent. Do I make mistakes? ALL THE FUCKING TIME!Do you know how I look at it? It's all part of the process. You make mistake, you apologize, you learn, and you move on. I don't try to hold grudges, but again, I'm human and it happens, however, simply because I have moved on does not mean that I need you in my life.

Isn't religion and ignorance what prompted the great atrocities in the world?? The Salem Witch Trials, the Crucifixions, the suicide bombings, the bombings in Ireland, the motherfucking Holocaust?? I realize that these are extreme examples, but the conviction behind these acts is the conviction I see today. I don't believe in turning the other cheek. That idea breeds nothing but mindless, herd following morons who accept everything that they're told without seeking knowledge of their own. That, my friends, is why these atrocities continued as long as they did and why they had so many followers. Blind ignorance. I, instead, look at it this way, you're cool to me, I'm cool to you, you're an ass to me, well, then, it's a fucking free for all. I choose to associate with free-thinkers. I don't care what race, RELIGION you are, what your sexual preference is, what your economic status is, as long as we can sit down, look eachother in the eye and discuss, share, and grow together as people. I love learning from others. You have some info on something that I haven't considered? Sweet, bring it on.

I am not here to make anyone but me and my immediate family happy. My life is for them.

When are we, as a species going to grow up and realize that we are doing nothing but destroying ouselves?

I hate people.......... sometimes

Okay, so this is my official first blog. I've sold out. I couldn't resist. Tonight (this morning?) I would just like to say that I hate people. I hate the way they judge, I hate the way they look at you, and I absolutely hate the way they treat other people. I have so much angst against the human race in general. BUT, at the same time, I love people. (It's a conundrum, I know, stick with me). I love the way they move, the way they talk, the way they gesture. I could spend hours just sitting and observing. You learn so much just from watching. You can tell how a person feels about another, their family (or group) dynamics, and how they feel about themselves. I have angst, but I also have compassion. I hate seeing a person walking down the street with their head down and shoulders slumped. I want to reach out and hug them and tell them "It's okay, you are beautiful, now lift up your fucking head and meet the world". I want to reach out and wrap them in my motherly instincts. But I don't. And you know why? Because, I watch. I watch them as they put down the next person they meet just to make themselves feel better. I watch as they kick a puppy (I've never actually seen it, okay? It's just an example.) I watch as one religion works to suppress another, as one race works against another (for shit's sake, it's just skin). I guess when it comes down to it, I love people....... from a distance. And hate them up close.