I've been doing a lot of well..... to use a cheesy cliche... soul searching lately. Events in our family and extended family over the past couple of years have changed my perspective on things, wildly. I know that I am not always an easy person to get along with. I am demanding in my relationships. I expect a lot from people. And at the top of my list is honesty. I admit that I, personally, have not always been honest in the past. I hid what I felt because of the possibility of drama. I went with the flow and in doing this, I got to the point where everything that I was feeling exploded into one big issue. I am trying to move past this point.
Part of this process is airing how I feel about people. Good or bad, ugly or not, I'm telling people what is going on with my feelings. I realize that, in some cases, this isn't going to be well-received. And I don't care. For me, to feel safe in a relationship, I need things to be open. I need communication. What I don't need is the typical two-faced, twisted type of relationship that I've been accepting for so long. And I am not blameless in these relationships, I've played the games. I've fed the drama. And now, I'm done. Equal footing is all that I ask for.
I, am not perfect. Dammit. In all my hopes and dreams as a child and young woman, my life was perfect. My relationships, all went the exact way that I wanted them to. My life moved in one direction and one direction only. I think that as hopeful dreamers, we fail to account for reality. And when that reality bites, it bites hard. My first dose of reality: I can't fix everything. I may try and I may fight, but some things just can't be fixed. In my fantasy, perfect world, my kids have the grandparents I did, they have a supportive family, like I did. But, things can't always be the same. And, I know, I held my grandparents up on a pedestal and expecting others to reach that point is unrealistic. I also know that my idea of a supportive family is somewhat twisted by the way that I grew up. It excludes the daddy part. The most important part of our family.
Because, let's face it, single parenting is not all it's cracked up to be. I always felt like a piece of me was missing. A puzzle that was unfinished. My children, don't. Their dad, is awesome. He's not what I expected, in any way (not that my expectations were high), he's more. His dedication is to us and he shows it in ways that I miss sometimes. But, I'm working on it. This part of my life is more than what I imagined as a young woman.
I guess the moral of my ranting is, I am not perfect person, mother, or wife. I am very demanding, I expect a lot, and I have made mistakes. But, I am done making myself feel like the fault of poor relationships lie solely on my shoulders. It takes two. And I am worth the effort. Because, I'm awesome.
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